Comedy
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'"-Isaac AsimovA magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head. The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block. The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes..."Taa-Daa!""How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?"Go back up to the previous one-liner and reread it word by word.I’m putting this joke in not because it’s overly funny but because I think that I’ve actually done this. Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work."Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar.""What did you do?" says the other IT guy."Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off.""You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy."I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop.""Really? You got a new laptop?"I was looking stuff up online when I found this on the CDC (center for Disease control) website:“All persons who are obese or overweight should try not to gain additional weight. In addition, those who are obese or who are overweight with other risk factors should consider losing weight.”“Bill Fabrey, co-owner of Amplestuff in Bearsville, N.Y., has been thinking big since 1988, when he started his mail-order business specializing in products for the larger set.”FMC Note: PEOPLE ARE NOT “LARGE SET.” Large Set is something used to describe your baseball card collection."Quantas Problem Solving"After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on backorder.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what they're for.P: IFF inoperative.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.S: Suspect you're right.P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.S: Took hammer away from midget.Lost within my own mind and quite happy to be so.-FMCFMC Answers Another Philosophical Question:Q: "Is the glass half full or half empty"A: "Which glass? Where I don't see one"A: "HEY WHO DRANK HALF THE WATER!"FMC solution to the Pot Problem:I recently came up with the prefect solution to the marijuana problem. For those of you with no clue what the problem with pot is we're in the same boat. But apparently some people think it's addictive. Well, so is smoking, porn, alcohol, porn, smoking, gambling, TV, smoking, the internet, eating, alcohol and porn, but only 2 of those thing kills people directly AND indirectly. And I got news for you - they all can ruin lives but chances are if when you step up and spin that addiction wheel and it lands on pot it could have just as easily been alcohol, or heroin. Some people say it's a gateway drug and if you are one of those people please grab your mouse wrap it tightly around your neck and pull both ends until you reach a happy place. Alcohol is a gateway drug I'm betting way before pot, do you know anyone that tried pot with out going through a drinking phase?...I’M WAITING….of course you didn't! Anyways, my plan is fines. This solves a lot of problems.1) I didn't make it legal so it's against the law to posses, sell, and smoke it. So that makes the anti-drug people happy.2) More money for the government. That makes the government happy.3) It's moving along the path to be legal, which makes intelligent people happy, AND4) Less people in jail. (Which makes everyone happy).We could have fines for smoking, selling and possessing, and if your carrying more than a pound of the stuff on you everything gets seized and police are free to test it and resell it, and thus making more money for the local law enforcement and probably increase the number of police officers. Can we please get this done and move onto more important things?