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Feral AttractionEpisode 107 - Friendship 9/14/18IntroOn this week’s show we open with a discussion of the history of happiness, and why happiness may be elusive. Soatok Dhole joins us to discuss our main topic, friendship — what is a good friendship, when is the right time to distance yourself from a friend, and how do you revive a fading friendship worth saving? We close with a question about how to handle developing feelings for a straight roommate.Introduction topicA history of happiness explains why capitalism makes us feel empty insideSean Illing - Voxhttps://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/9/4/17759590/happiness-fantasy-capitalism-culture-carl-cederstromTopicWhat is friendship?“Essential and fundamental to friendship is that it is a natural, spontaneous, freely given and entered into relationship promised as much on subliminal cues that prompt liking as on anything that the parties could specify as a reason for engaging in it” – philosopher AC GraylingFriend vs. friendly acquaintanceCommon to both:People who make you a better personPeople who you enjoy spending time withPeople who you have a history of shared experience withPeople who share your values, your hobbies, your interests, and/or your kinksUnique to friends:People you can trustPeople you can confide inPeople you can be yourself aroundLoyaltyProblems arise when you expect loyalty from someone you considered a friend, but who views you as a friendly acquaintanceWhat is a bad friendship?“Our friends aren’t toxic — they’re just human”Ephrat Livni - Quartzhttps://qz.com/1352437/our-friends-arent-toxic-theyre-just-human/Many people argue a “bad friend” is one who consistently brings you down or holds you back“The current cultural discourse suggests that friends are people who we use to improve ourselves, and get rid of when the going gets tough or if we’re not having enough fun. … It’s friendship as a capitalistic exchange, instead of relationships involving people who care about each other, hanging out, and helping each other through life’s ups and downs.”This philosophy leads many people to treat their friends as disposable, and to abandon them when they need support and are not contributing to the friendship — right when they need a friend the mostIt is important to remember the golden rule in friendship, and to treat others as we’d like to be treatedYou wouldn’t want to be abandoned during a time of hardship when you couldn’t be there for your friends as much as you’d like to beAbandoning a friend at the first sign of conflict or distress in the relationship will leave you with very few friendsIt is often worth it to attempt to reconcile or ignore certain conflicts for the sake of maintaining an otherwise valuable friendshipFriends who consistently do not support you, who do not share your values, and who have a history of being unreliable may be less worthy of continued or increased investment of time and other resourcesIn some circumstances, it can be worthwhile to invest in old friendships even when values and goals have drifted apart, for the sake of having someone who can “ground you” in your own historyIt is difficult for new friends to offer the same level of insight that old friends can provide to youIf you have many old friends, and a particular friendship is no longer offering benefit to either of you, it is okay to let a friendship turn back into a friendly acquaintanceshipKeep in mind: people change over time (and that’s ok!)What is a good friendship?In general, it is wise to invest in friends who:Share your valuesSupport you as you pursue your goalsPoint out your weaknesses and mistakes in a loving wayIt can be tempting to seek friends who tell you everything you do is awesome, but it’s wise to have a few close friends who can call you on your mistakesAssume good faith: When your close friends suggest you’ve done something wrong, it is generally because they care about your success, and not because they want to put you downHave a history of being trustworthy and reliableIt isn’t all about you“Real friendship is a kind of love, writes philosopher Bennet Helm. As such, it must ‘involve a concern for your friend for his sake and not for your own.’”It isn’t a great idea to be friends only with people who tell you everything you do is good“A true friend didn’t just flatter and please. Quite the contrary, their value lie in the fact that they sometimes corrected or fought with their pals, to whom they’d give their all.”Criticism that comes from a place of loyalty and respect, with the intent of making you a more authentic version of yourself, is very different from someone tearing you downWhen you’re around a good friend, you should feel liberated to act with authenticity.How do you revive a friendship?How to Revive a FriendshipAnna Goldfarb — The New York Timeshttps://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/26/smarter-living/how-to-revive-a-friendship.htmlStart by “identifying what variables, if any, have changed since your falling out.”“Maybe you’re in a more stable place in life and are confident you can be a better, more attentive friend this time around.”“Thinking about the reasons you grew apart and how things might be different now can help you take the steps needed to rebuild a closer and longer lasting friendship.”Make the first move!If neither of you reach out, you won’t talkBeing vulnerable and honest about missing your former friend can help you reconnect if they’re feeling the same wayBe prepared for rejectionGame out what you’d say and what you’d do to feel better if you are rejectedAssume good faithIt’s possible your friend would love to talk to you, but the thought just hasn’t occurred to them, because many other things are on their mindIt’s harmless to remind them you exist and would like to talkEstablish interest in re-establishing the friendship before jumping into emotionally difficult topicsGo in as if this were a new friendshipStart small with light topics and catching up on what is new with each of youGood topics for conversation are anecdotes and requests for advice that focus on what is shared between you right nowSimilar life experiencesPlaces you’ve both been toWhere you are in lifeLocationCareerLifestyle/Living SituationTry socializing at first in a group settingGame nightMovie nightDinner partyOuting to a park for a hike or picnicTry to present your best selfThis will remind your former friend what they liked about you to begin withIt isn’t always possible to get back to the same level of friendship you had beforeBe willing to accept a less intimate relationship, at least at firstFeedbackNone for this weekQuestion(s)I live with my best friend, who is a straight male. I am a gay male furry, and I am crushing hard on the the friend that I live with. How can I continue to be friends with him given the feelings I cannot share?Received via Telegram (name withheld)CloserContact infoContact Viro:t.me/viroscicollietwitter.com/viroscicollieContact Soatok:https://twitter.com/SoatokDholehttps://soatok.comFeral Attraction Twitter:twitter.com/feralattractfmFeral Attraction Contact Page:feralattraction.com/contactCoaching Services now available!As our audience has grown, many of our listeners and advice column readers have asked to speak with Viro in a one-on-one setting so as to get help with resolving relationship issues or overcoming stumbling blocks that can trip us up on life's journey. Until now, it was not possible to offer such one-on-one attention, simply because of time constraints. Fortunately, Viro is now offering this kind of individualized attention as a service!For more information, visit: feralattraction.com/coachingOther businessPatreonJoel Kreissman is a published author of anthropomorphic science-fiction in his Para-Imperium universe. His first novel, The Pride of Parahumans, was published with Thurston Howl publications in 2017 and he has more free stories on his blog at https://paraimperium.wordpress.com/