Education
Imagine a résumé for our “subconscious”—that part of us that holds all the stuff we deny, discount, disown, bury or pretend does not exist: Vengeful, easily victimized, lazy, bad, untrustworthy. Excel at hopelessness and rage, an expert on greed. Not creative. Never finish what I start. Stupid, a loner, damaged goods. Nurture evil thoughts. Certainly unlovable. No one wants to admit to a dark side—it can be a frightening and shocking experience to our self-image. We spend vast amounts of energy denying and repressing this unwanted inferior self. What many of us don’t realize is that the shadow can be a helpful aspect of ourselves that holds the key to transformation—a loyal friend bearing the gifts of depth, integrity, vitality, and wholeness—if we choose to meet it and love it. “Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once, beautiful and brave,” said poet Ranier Maria Rilke. “Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something that needs our love.” How the Shadow Develops Many forces play a role in forming our shadow selves: parents, siblings, teachers, religious leaders and friends all have their part. When little Ethan's mother entered the hospital before the birth of twins, Ethan was suddenly left alone with a new nanny during the day and put to bed by his distant father. When his overwhelmed mother and the newborn twins came home two months later, the toddler was not-so-subtly encouraged to “be independent” and a good big brother. Anger that erupted was quickly reprimanded. Afraid that his parents would leave or stop loving him, Ethan learned not to rock the boat. He took care of himself, became a pleaser and kept his needs and feelings to himself. The Shadow’s Gift Revealed Today, the single father still prefers to depend on himself, struggling with the amount of intimacy he can experience in his relationships. He smiles a lot and has trouble saying “No” to requests for help, works late into the night, and rarely takes a day for himself. He doesn’t “do” anger publicly, but at home, he sometimes explodes at his children. Working to integrate these painful shadow elements into his conscious life is challenging, Ethan says. But doing so is helping him to stay in a profoundly nurturing relationship, from which he would have fled earlier in his life. “I realize now how much energy it has cost me to keep this stuff underground,” he says. “What I’m working on is saying ‘Yes’ more often to myself—and teaching others by example. And I silently cheer when my children tell me how mad they are!” These, then, are the gifts of subconscious behavior work that can benefit each of us—and the world: • more genuine self-acceptance • fewer adverse emotional eruptions during our daily lives • less guilt and shame associated with our negative feelings and actions • a more precise and accurate picture of others (uncolored by subconscious projections) • the opportunity to heal relationships through more honest self-examination. What’s in Your Subconscious? Awareness of patterns is always the first step towards the treasure box that lies within your subconscious behavior. But the elusive nature of our mysterious character can make it tricky to discover the content of one's shadow. Here are some useful detective tools: Examine your exaggerated negative feelings about others. Lo --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thesamigroup/support