Comedy
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Tyriq * https://twitter.com/FourbitFriday/ * https://frror.bandcamp.com/releases * Ryan * https://twitter.com/RyanIkeComposer * https://www.instagram.com/ryanikeaudio/ Topics: * What do animals know? Do they know things? How do we find out? * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WhatIsItLiketoBeaBat%3F * Can we all just be adults and admit that invisibility sucks as a superpower? * Where is the machine learning startup promising to fix the concert videos where the audience claps on 1 and 3 * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UinRq29jPk * Toxic by Britney Spears * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOZuxwVk7TU * Unedited (syncable) commentary: https://youtu.be/x3eUVHdw54k * What mundane tool/item/technology do you wish were irrelevant, and what would you replace it with? Microtopics: * Doing a perfect ollie your first time on a skateboard and then never skating again because you'll never top that. * Cooking every single dish in the human culinary encyclopedia and then starving to death because you refuse to repeat yourself. * Honor system rock paper scissors. * Making video games, one of which is called Catacomb Kids. * Naming your band one letter away from a common word so that your band is impossible to google. * An extremely austere and dour change log, like in Great Expectations. * Changing the "dragon breath" spell to "bear breath" because dragons aren't real but bears breathe fire. * A grim window into the world in which we live, dragonless and dragon breath -less. * A delicious treat for anyone who likes anise flavoring and salt. * A giant human sized licorice in a wedding gown. * Competing with nearby deer for the affections of the extremely salty licorice you're marrying. * Spendinga lot of your mental energy trying to figure out animal cognition. * Whether elephants worship the moon or in fact anything. * Dogs doing the things dogs do even if they've never been taught by another dog. * Where babies learn the things that their parents don't teach them. * Babies smiling when they see a face even though they're not happy to see you. * Baby reflexes that help parents bond with them during the time when they are hardest to love. * How to be sure that animals think and feel and have memory when we can't even be sure for other humans. * P-zombies. * A dog's mental model of the world. * The Far Side cartoon depicting a machine that translates dog barks into human speech. * Whether animals have to know stuff. * Meerkat accents. * The mantis shrimp having an innate ability to see ghosts, and learning our language to tell us that we're stepping on ghosts all the time and we're covered in ectoplasm. * A superpower that turns you invisible except for your eyes, so you're just a floating pair of eyeballs, not invisible at all, so you have to buy a pair of sunglasses to hide your eyes. * Putting two of the lamest possible superpowers together in the same married couple. * The lamest superpower that you would settle for. * The superpower of getting up when the alarm rings and not having to hit snooze even once. * The superpower of lactose tolerance. * The superpower of having practiced a lot. * Cutting a cantaloupe in half and the six of clubs is in there and the guy's like "yeah that's my card, but that cantaloupe was $9 at Whole Foods, thanks a lot." * How to convince general audiences that they should care when in the measure to clap. * Just assuming that audiences will be clapping in the wrong place so you add a single measure in 5/4 to your 4/4 composition to fix it. * Playing a concert video where the video and audio are desynchronized by exactly half a measure. * Inventing a snare drum that looks like a bass drum and vice versa, and filming a prank show where unsuspecting drummers play concerts with the inverted drum kit. * Going to fiver and asking someone to build you a drum kit that defies science and logic. * The one company that Topic Lords would accept sponsorship from. * Stopping the concert when the audience starts clapping on 1 and 3 and asking them "come on, did you spend $126 to get it wrong?" * Not finding out how low-poly these birds are until the quarter speed viewing. * Which side Britney's nails look most amazing from. * The outfit flight attendants had to wear in the 1950s, before they had the right to vote. * A flight attendant with pauldrons. * A loser with a sandwich that Britney wants to make out with in the bathroom. * Seeing someone's ass and wondering what the Blippi subreddit would think of it. * A dude who is a motorcycle. * Biketaurs. * Having the same facial expression as the motorcycle you're riding. * A sparkly Jackson Pollock that you wrap around yourself. * Stepping right in the laser. * Warning the janitor that you're turning on the office's death ladder so he's not surprised when he shows up that weekend to find 15 corpses on the floor. * A music video that is secretly the prequel to Jupiter Ascending. * Whether this hot Scandinavian guy is the same guy as the last hot Scandinavian guy. * Saving time shaving by dyeing your facial hair the same color as your skin. * Whether a stiff iron bar jabbing into your back would improve a bed or a chair. * Whether Britney Spears hallucinated the events of the Toxic video, and she's just an ordinary flight attendant. * How to fix bread closures. * Filling the moon with bread closures. * Getting a bread box so people stop having to manufacture bread closures. * How massive a bread is required to spin the bag at sufficient velocity to apply the bread closures. * Solving your headphone cord problem by never listening to audio of any kind. * Installing an ink sac in your fingernail so that you never have to look around for a pen. * A tattoo of a squid that you can squeeze to spurt ink into the eyes of your enemies, but the tattoo gets more and more faded as the ink depletes. * An awful thing that your ducks can do. * What's going on in that biome? * The horned lizard's final defense. * Dropping a tail if you need to escape. * A super ethical meat factory that spends all day terrifying the tails off of lizards. * An avocado-like spread made out of frightened lizard tail. * Nothing but adrenaline flavor in this tail. * How to live as a freelancer without being drained of all your bodily fluids.